Is it possible for an INTJ male to have a deep connection with someone, to the point of being able to know her thoughts and complete her sentences, but be able to walk away and not stay in touch? To disappear from her life completely as if he never existed? I know time heals everything, but I am haunted....Not a day goes by....

Comments

INTJ-she (not verified) says...

Why are you wanting to walk away?  It sounds like you obviously have feelings for her as well as a deep connection.  Isn't that what we all crave?  If you are that close to her, no doubt she will feel your absense and if you care for her, why would you do that to her?  That seems quite cruel.

GUEST (not verified) says...

I am actually the one who got walked away from. I am the female who is asking how an INTJ male can walk away when there's such a deep connection. I just can't understand it, nor can I forget. 😓

INTJ-he (not verified) says...

To the other poster trying to help: it's possible this is for this person's own good (in fact, likely, in today's world).  It's not cruel if it's what the woman wanted or if she is having sex with his friend.

Male INTJs tend to have the hardest time out of all personalities with emotional processing requirements such as big breakups, job losses, etc.  This is because when we fail ourselves (usually the cause of a failed relationship if we are being honest here), we are forced to rewire our reality.  This is also "why we take everything so seriously", etc.  This is why we are so "careful" in the first place...

My advice is the same as it was given to me from my own former partner.  Consider working on the art of "letting go". 

It may also help to literally force yourself into public so as to heal faster, even though (or perhaps even because of the fact that) it is the hardest thing in the world to do.  You will be embarassed.  Awkward situations will occur.  Repeatedly.  But through it all you will continue to improve.  You will never forget her (and she will never forget you, though it's surely easier for her to move on in some ways) but you can move past this experience.  Trust me, I am working on this myself.  I fucked up, then she really, really fucked up.  Now she's with a friend.  I identify a great deal with what you've posted, but sitting through the emotion and paying full attention to it, at least until it passes, may be helpful.  Best of luck to you, I hope you find peace.  Frankly, I hope I do too, and though it hasn't happened yet, each day desensitizes me to my past just a bit more and allows me the room I need to move past what happened.

Guest- she (not verified) says...

To the one who posted that she may be having sex with his friend, NEVER! The one who posted the original comment is a She. INTJ-He walked away from me. I held him on a pedestil because I realized how rare and special he was! Its been almost a year he switched jobs and I still can't get him out of my head. Although you may be right INTJ-he. For whatever reason, it may be for the best. My suspicion is he got scared and couldn't process the freakish connection and pull with his logical mind. I hope you too find peace. If she let you go, she's not worth it. And I think you're right, this id also why I'm in public, trying to question other INTJ males for possible reasons my INTJ left and didn't stay in touch.,😭😭😭

INTJ-she (not verified) says...

You could reach out to him and just directly ask him what happened?  INTJs like it when you are direct.  If he doesn't have a good answer for you, at least you tried and maybe at least it will give you some much needed closure. 

Guest- she (not verified) says...

Thanks, that's great advice, but his silence speaks volumes. I know enough INTJ to know that if he doesn't stay in touch its because I am no longer important. There are only a select few people INTJ's  keep in touch with. For whatever reason, I was rationalized away. It hurts enough as it is, I don't think I want a bigger hole in my heart than the one that is already there. This forum is my healing, stomping ground, my closure, I guess. I also know that some people come into your life and change you forever.  They're not meant to stay. 

INTJ Male (not verified) says...

The other responses were definitely not from INTJ's. Here is my view of your plight... there could be a few things at play here: 

Is he older than 30? If not, he might be too young to be considerate of others feelings. This can be tough for young INTJ's.

Many people test as INTJ, when they really are not. Some people just tell everyone that they are INTJ's because it's the "Mastermind" personality type. If your man was really an ISTJ, he would be far more apt to just drop you than an INTJ.

Next, your man could be in a suffering pattern. Google "the Leaving Pattern" and read about it if you think it could be that. Did he leave previous girlfriends in the same manner that he left you? 

And finally, your man could have been a narcissist or a sociopath. If you are an INFJ, I would bet money it... If he was unhealthy, you are so better off without him, and you need to learn about your unhealthy attraction to unhealthy men.

I would never leave a woman without giving an answer/explanation. She would know exactly why it ended.

Guest- she (not verified) says...

Hi, thank you so much for such a detailed break down of the possibilities this happened. He is 39 and you could be right, he could be ISTJ. There are some blurry lines sometimes between the personality types. He definitely has issues expressing his emotions. I googled the "Leaving Pattern" and he doesn't seem to be a habitual "Leaver". And finally, he doesn't sound like a sociopath or a narcissist because he did tell me he was used to being rejected by other women. He holds his heart tightly sealed. I think he got scared and ran. He tried to explain away our connection by saying this happens to people who work closely together, which we did. 

I think its good to know that not all INTJs are like this and that maybe there are some out there who can clearly communicate why they left. I am an ENFP, and I truly do not choose unhealthy relationships. Our connection just happened, I wasn't looking for it, I didn't choose it.  And now I just need to let it go and move forward. I have been struggling like this for a year now. I don't quite understand it myself, but the pain is real. Thanks again for your insight and to all who posted to this thread. 

Lewis INTJ (not verified) says...

"I am an ENFP, and I truly do not choose unhealthy relationships."

As an ENFP you are very curious to experience those rare moments in relationships though, and as an ENFP, you might even be creating them.

As an INTJ, I know that I've gotten bored in relationships, and I've left quickly (never usually lasting more than a few months), and now that I've matured I have a lot of haunting memories from befroe I developed my compassion and sesitivity. The stereotype is true from what I've seen. 

On the other hand, I've never left without closure. I fall in love very easily, and I often communicate this, and other known issues, befroe things get too serious. If I'm not feeling the connection I usually have a few good chats about our 'best self' to prime a space of growth and development, and honestly explain that I don't have what it takes to be emotionally supportive for my partners. It's always been a tricky convo, but in the moment my feelings subside as I try to startegise on the fly and offer comfort where needed.

Also, what a prick. I'm so sorry you got treated like that.

Young but mature INTJ (not verified) says...

In my experience when I (unintentionally,but it happens) leave people that are close to me,its not because i dont care but because the situation has changed,for example moving to another country,I feel like ive been taken out of my world to another one.my focus shifts to my new environment,new people,new experience...and all i can do is look back at that former life.at this point i have two choices,try to reconnect,which is usually hard and awkward(the whole intj and anti-social thing) and to some logical extent unnecessary due to the second choice,disconnecting.its easier for me,it allows me to be more efficient in my current life and there is a very high chance that the people ive left will move on and be happy.so i guess its obvious why most intjs choose the latter.But no intj ever forgets the people they truly care about,even if all evidence suggest otherwise.(to the original poster of this thread)He probably misses you very much!he just thinks in his stupidly-over-logical way that he is making things easier by cutting all contact.IF you truly care deeply for him,CHASE AFTER HIM. forget about healing and go find happiness. dont stop until he tells you to stop.dear i say it, FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE:).but in all seriousness make face to face contact and dont ask why he left you,rather talk to him as if everything is normal,if you notice him being more talkative it means hes happy to see you,if the both of you just "click" then he never stopped thinking about you,(else drop the act then ask him then and there).take it slow and notice his routine,ask him for some personal time together then ask him why he left.if he gives no real answer then thats good,it means he was being an intj,completely out off touch with his emotions(stupid intjs :) )else at least you'll know why and decide on your own from there. I hoped i helped in some way and please reply im interested in how it all works out.

INTJ Male (not verified) says...

Your title is misleading. You are posing as a "Young but mature INTJ". Your intentions are good, however you are not an INTJ. Everything you said was Sensing and Feeling related, completely opposite of an INTJ. No INTJ would say "FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE" and no INTJ would say "stupid INTJs".

INTJ's capitalize the first word of every sentence, and use proper spacing after punctuation. It irritates an INTJ to see grammatical errors. We would never allow ourselves to post such a blatantly flawed response in a public forum.

If her ex is an INTJ, he most definitely would not appreciate being chased. The relationship is over for him and he has moved on.

Young but mature INTJ (not verified) says...

I understand why you would think that,but first take in more information before you make your conclusion .Have you heard of the INTJ social mask(i'm not quoting here), It's like a false mask that is used to ease and smooth over social interactions.I was using mine when I last posted(I assume not every one is an intj on this website,and I opted  to avoid conflict or ill feelings due to the brutally honest way INTJs communicate) which resulted in a post more similar to feeling/sensing type way of communicating.Also when i stated "mature" in my title,I meant more aware of my inferior functions. so i'm able to understand and communicate with other types more effectively."No INTJ would say "FIGHT FOR THIS LOVE" and no INTJ would say "stupid INTJs"."I completely agree,I was trying to be humorous (apparently i failed stupendously,and will probably never do that again.) I had assumed that those parts of my post wouldn't be taken so literally,at least not until i wrote "but seriously...".And yes it was "a blatantly flawed response",but do note that while it is a common trait among INTJs to be irritated by misspellings not every INTJ has them and I simple do not posses such trait(also I was writing in the rich text editor mode,and I'm not very familiar with HTML,my mistake.). If you can or haven't already,search for developed INTJs and get an understanding of how there behaviors are modified by there more awakened inferior functions.lastly with the probability of you being correct(and a personal curiosity as to if a persons personality can change with time),I retook the test and it revealed that I am still an INTJ. Please reply, I would like to hear your thoughts and conclusion.

INTJ Male (not verified) says...

1) You gave the OP bad advice on how to deal with an INTJ. (Since you incorrectly believed yourself to be an INTJ)

2) Now you've hijacked the OP's thread, turning it into a defense to my calling you out.

3) You are still NOT an INTJ.  Free online MBTI personality tests are frequently wrong. (My best guess is that you are an INTP)

 

Yellodev (not verified) says...

I have to agree with you on this one. While an INTJ might say something off/akward in a failed attempt at humor and POSSIBLY type it out as part of a public comment, after proofreading the final draft, no INTJ would actually POST it. Even if that somehow DID occur, it wouldn't be in a predominantly INTJ forum and most CERTAINLY not as a way to make a nameless, faceless non-INTJ feel better about some textbook emotional thing that pretty much every human beint has gone/is going/will go through at some point in their lives. Also, no way on the grammatical issues, either. So yeah, I don't care what the test says - NOT an INTJ.

INTJme (not verified) says...

remember.....INTJs get lost in their own minds for days, weeks and years.....

Cutting theimselves of from the big bad world and the people around them.  I wish I had a friend who would come to me from time to time as friendships slip away because we can be antisocial at times.

 

The introversion is paralysing and we know we have cut people off at times and its hard to get back to that place where we or they feel comfortable....

 

just a thought..... but also guard your heart.... we can be cold to protect ourselves.....

Annonymous says...

Very well said.  Yes it is a good idea to have a relationship, but know there is a high chance of pain and be very careful.

Guest- she (not verified) says...

These posts have been very informative. I appreciate all the INTJ advice. Thank you. So I totally get that INTJs can be cold to protect themselves. My INTJ waxed cold on several different occasions, just out of the blue. However, he would eventually (in like months), come back to me like nothing ever happened. But I also know INTJs can be cold to people they don't like, to keep them away  from those that drain them with "social niceties" . This is the part that I really had to get used to because it hurt like hell and I would always need to initiate conversation to break the ice. But since he left, I've had to guard my heart, like you said. I feel like after a year of no contact, he's not protecting himself, he's moved on. And I wish him well. His departure somehow took a piece of me with him, because there's this great big void in my soul where he used to be.

INTJ Male (not verified) says...

Guest- she (not verified) says...

Thank you, that is a great article. Grieving is definitely what I'm doing. The action of showing love to others is rewarding as opposed to just sitting there and feeling miserable. I am working on it, actively :)

Annonymous says...

With all reality, you can become very close to a female to extreme points, just like anyone else.  But if the relationship is not meant to be, INTJ's know to stop.  Its hard, put not as hard as other personalities because if a relationship is harmful, or not helpful, we can and will let go and fade away.   

Guest- she (not verified) says...

Yup, makes sense.

INTJ-n-ca (not verified) says...

This is the most emotional INTJ forum I’ve ever read..... lol reclaiming my time 

INTJ Male (not verified) says...

For those that don't understand the "Reclaiming my time" comment made by INTJ-n-ca above, read/watch this: 

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/post-partisan/wp/2017/08/01/reclaiming-my-time-is-bigger-than-maxine-waters

INTJ-n-ca appears to be upset that he wasted his time reading this overly-emotional INTJ forum. My response: This is not an "INTJ forum", it is a forum about INTJs. Most of the posters are not INTJs, ergo there will be more emotion than if INTJs were the only ones allowed to post in this forum. Also this particular thread poses a question about an 'alledged' INTJ, but was asked by an ENFP. In one of my posts above I even questioned whether the "man" that left the OP was actually an INTJ (which I doubt). 

Emotions don't bother me, nor do I believe they bother most INTJs. We have emotions, just like everyone else. We just apply thoughts and logic to situations first and don't let our emotions control our actions. INTJs don't need to "reclaim our time" (from those who are more emotional than we are) simply because our own thoughts trump our emotions. Remember: Te is secondary, Fi is tertiary. As INTJs grow older and wiser, they discover that more often then not, they should run every decision making process through both their Te and their Fi functions. This will produce a better decision which is more mindful of others, rather than just the most impulsive, logical and efficient solution.

 

 

 

 

 

Elina (not verified) says...

Sure u can walk away. INTJ is the strongest personality. I did n never looked back

INTJ-Man (not verified) says...

I could be wrong here, yet I'm thinking if you jumped the gun with this guy and professed your feelings to him or started planning his future before he was sure you would make a good partner then that could be the reason he backed away. INTJs tend to take their time with the whole falling in love and commiting thing especially if they were burned in the past and this could make them cynical to love or very cautious. They like getting all the information they can gather on someone before making those kinds of life affirming decisions as they don't like being wrong or making mistakes when it comes to things that could cost them in terms of resources years from now. Trust for them takes time to build even if they feel a connection. Nowif the opposite is true and you never showed or told them how you felt about them and they really were into you, they may feel defeated and could of just given up on you as they may think that you just wanted to be friends when they may have wanted more and to each of you to give you credit you both may have shown interest in your own ways and this could of gone under the radar of how you perceive love or attraction. Think love languages here, INTJs are big on the Acts of service to show care and love to others, they sometimes approach love in the same way they approach everyday things they do, as a task. Things as simple as washing dishes for a loved one that is ill or cleaning house or fixing a car, or running errands is all part of the Acts of service love language. I don't have all the information of what lead up to the INTJ walk away, so I'm only giving possbilities and possible scenarios that tend to play out.

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