I worry that things I say that are logical and rational are hurtful.

e.g. I'm an INTJ woman in a relationship with an ENTJ guy, who used to be my best friend - we were very close and then lost contact for 9 years and decided to give it a go. we did LDR (long distance relationship) for 2 years and then he's moved in for a year. for about that time, we've not been having much NSFW action, much less than when it was LDR.

This makes me question the point of a relationship, as I had always kept sex and friendships separate until i tried to be with him, (as i felt that I could have emotional needs met by friends, and emotional intimacy with sexual partners made me uncomfortable). I've never been emotional about sex.

When i say this it hurts him, who hears that I don't love him and don't want to be with him, however I say it more as a question to the positioning of our relationship, that if he doesn't have an interest in sex or other NSFW activities, then we can redefine our relationship towards the emotional side, and I can explore physical relationships outside of this. I care about him, love our shared history and we 'get' each other, now we're just not having sex, which I have issues with. To him, this is not an option, as he doesn't separate the 2 ideas of intimacy and sex. this is impacting my desire to achieve shared future goals with him, e.g. marriage and home ownership, a pet, etc.

Am i being immature? if so, can someone explain the reasoning so i can overcome this idea and see the other side of this?

Have other INTJ's had similar relationship issues? Help!!


Guest (not verified) says...

As another woman INTJ, I can relate to everything you said. Yes you are being a little immature. I was, and my now husband told me so. We did LDR for about two years and everything was great mostly because I got so much of my own alone time. I'm guessing you don't get that anymore, and it drains you to constantly have to try to give and give and give, and maybe you feel guilty about wanting to have some time alone. Does this sound familiar? I would suggest opening up, as hard as it is, and expressing your concern about you needing some time to yourself to explore hobbies or interests without his input. When you talk to him, be honest, tell him you don't mean to hurt his feelings but you don't know how to say it any other way. OR think of a better way to say it. You're an INTJ, you can figure it out! Relationships take work, but they are worth it. Maybe when you go off into your alone time for hobbies or interests you can come back with some stories that will excite him and entertain him and that will ignite something in the sheets!

Guest (not verified) says...

I have very similar issues as an INTJ woman and after reading the personality types that in compatible with, I realized I was with the least compatible category. We are separated right now as a result of his inability to understand me and my inability to feel connected to him because he always wants to have these long drawn out conversations about our relationship. Plus, I feel like since marrying, I've been put on a short leash, which I absolutely cannot handle. He also doesn't get my need for alone time and insinuates that I'm a bad wife and mother because I don't want to be with the family every second of my free time. I've tried to explain this innate part of how I function but he just doesn't comprehend. It's caused so much turmoil in our marriage that I just couldn't take it anymore. Plus, he has a job that requires him to move every time he gets a promotion and this has been happening regularly every one to two years since we were married. This most recent incident, I told him flat out that I was not going to move again. I already have a hard time making friends and getting settled somewhere that I just couldn't take it again. Plus the independent part of me said go on, I don't need you. I hate to say it but I'm much happier alone. I don't have any interest in dating and I'll never get married again, heck I don't think I would even considered living with someone. It's so nice to have my independence back and not constantly defending my personality traits. The worst part of this is the impact it is having on my children. Their father moved over six hours away, without even thinking how this would affect his kids. Now they only see him wvery other weekend for about 24 hours. This breaks my heart, which my husband knows so he is trying to feed on this to get me to move with him but the logical, future thinking part of me knows this will turn out bad because I believe that once he has me in his state, I won't be able to leave.

Another thing that you touched on was about how your guy felt your lack of sex meant you didn't love him, same here. My husband would storm out of the bedroom when I wasn't in the mood. Did I mention that I just realized I married a narcissist?

R. Tyler (not verified) says...

Female INTJ with a similar issue except with my Best Friend (or so I thought).

We have had a few falling outs over the years, but this time it feels different. I cannot stop thinking about the whole situation replaying conversations in my head. I want to know if anyone thinks I should get over it and find new friends or reach out?

We went on a backing trip to europe for two weeks. The weeks leading up to that we would talk on the phone every week or so and talk about our lives, but mostly our boyfriends. At first we talked about how great our relationships were and what we saw for the future, but then our calls became about how much her bf annoyed her and her questioning her relationship. Of course my boyfriend did things that annoyed me, but there was not really a change in how I felt about him or our relationship. For some reason though I felt that I needed to find things about my realtionship that were annoying that were similar to her relationship ( or lack there of) to share with her during our weekly calls. Come time for our trip, I really started to question my relationship. A few times during the trip we would get in these depressing moods together from talking about our relationships and how confused and lost we felt. 

Then we agree to meet up with a guy that we met at the airport and said he lived close to the festival we were going to; he had a friend with him. I did not think any thing of it until they start getting flirty and she asks me what I think of him. Long story short we all (meaning My friend and I and the "love interest" and his friend he brought) we all were drinking and she tells me she wants to go to a club with them and stay at their place. However, we already had a place to stay and our stuff was at that place. We figure out that situation and go with the guys. I felt very awkward and like a fourth wheel the rest of the night, while she is having a great time, flirting and having these guys fawn over her. I got to a point were I was so lonely and jealous and, sad to say, desperate I ended up cheating on my boyfriend that night.  I felt guilty for the rest of the trip, but we did not talk about it much, just kept talking about feeling lost in the world. 

When the trip was over and I got home I told my boyfriend what happened and told him we should break up because how could he be with me after cheating. I know from experience I would not. He blamed my friend. I called her and told her he was doing this and that I did not know what to do, because I knew it was not her fault at all, she did not make me cheat, but  I had been judging her all these years (not to her face for reason I think one could understand) for cheating on her boyfriends in the past. Now I had done the thing I despise the most and I did not know how to handle it. It all fell apart after she heard that I was judging her. She could not trust me. She felt alone. She felt our whole friendship was a sham, and so on. Basically, good luck with my situation and she was going to "take a step back from my life". I tried to defend our friendship, telling her I was jealous and always have been, but that did not matter to her. She said I should see a thearapist, then I gave up fighting for our friendship and told her I did not want negativity in my life anymore and that we should not be friends. She agreed and we both said "have a great life". Since then she messaged me about money I owed her, and my response was curt and short, but other than that there has been dead silence. 

Please share your thoughts with me. 

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