Autonomy has been kind of the guiding principle of my life and marriage comes loaded with so many historical, social, and economic realities and expectations.  The idea of willingly entering a conventional role in which two people legal "own" each other, for any reason, seems to go against everything I everything I stand for.  What are your thoughts on marriage?


Cindy says...

If you feel that way, you shouldn’t marry. Marriage does refine and mature you as you give yourself to another as that other gives him/herself to you. OTOH, there’s nothing wrong with remaining single. You have to decide what’s best for you to do. There’s no one-size-fits-all. No need to seek it out if you have no desire.

Scar (not verified) says...

I want to be married sometimes, but I just don't fit into the expectation that the types of guys I like would want. I don't cook (i eat raw food or anything ready to eat), I am pretty laid back with hosuekeeping (I most of the time don't notice when my pile of rejected outfits gets too high), and I don't have experience with children (not my fault really, I didn't have young siblings), and I'm quiet and kind of awkard. 

I also don't like the idea of the sexual aspect..I might be asexual and just looking for companionship. Hahahahahah. Hilarious. 

I wouldn't want to change my name just because I was married; that's stupid and a waste of money. Because I harbor hard feelings, I don't think my marriage would go past the 7 year mark. I would get bitter and they probably would, and it would end terribly.

It's weird, because I am an actress and I get praised for how I look, but what's the use of good looks if, as a person, I am not fit to be in a relationship?

My final thoughts: 

In the end, who cares about all of that? We get old (or die young), get ugly and wrinkly and we die. So none of it even matters. Who cares. 

Atlas says...

Hello. ENFP here.
I think there is no right or wrong in getting married. I just think it is bad if a person marries just to meet society's expectations. If two people marry it should be because they are sure that is what they want.
Now.. I personally think before the marriage, a couple should have serious honest conversations about their desires and expectations about life and about marriage itself. A lot of people get married and only latter they get to really know each other. As an example, if I were to get married, I would first want to have the experience of living with the person in the same house, because sometimes people get along very good when they live seperatly and they find that living with that person just doesn't work.
But getting married is something I think you shouldn't do just to please your partner. To me what is more important is if the couple wants has common dreams to their life, if they love and support each other and if they are honest with each other.
My thoughts on marriage is that a lot of people get married because of economic security and feel stuck when they discover that they don't feel happy with the partner but say together because of economic stability. Not everyone, but I think a lot of people do this.
Anyway... stay true to yourself. I know a couple that is living together for 10 years and they are happy and not married. Now that they are together for 10 years they want to give a party to celebrate their love. You can have the celebration and an happy life together without the paper, if you don't want that legal "ownership" :)

MLE (not verified) says...

ENFP typing...   thank you for putting my exact thoughts on relationships/marriage in verbage <3 

Thecodeman56 (not verified) says...

I'm 36 now. Never really had a relationship that lasted more than 6 months. I am looking to get married now. It would be nice to have somebody there to figure out. We of course have the ability to mimic. I can cook, I can clean, but it would be interesting to have another personality there to annoy me and to figure out. If anything else they could do the talking if something came up while on travel so I can just chill with a book or on my phone.


PJ Browne (not verified) says...

I am an INFP married to an INFP. We have been married for over 30 years, and together longer than that.  Marriage to us was a personal and spiritual commitment.  Marriage is not for everyone, but living together is not necessarily a solution either. Both of us were in relationships and lived with other people before we met that were disasters.  If you are an INFP it is important that you find someone who can let you be you and allow you to have the personal space you need.  Other than unconditional love which to me is imperative, communication and compromise are big keys for making it work.

Maha says...

I think marriage is not that important now, because the main reason for marriage is to have children, but I do not think many think so. They think marriage is just a game or amusement for them or a waste of time so I think they do not have the right to marry and have children. In order to be happy or full you have to marry because anyone wants to marry for this reason just a miserable person does not know how to rely on himself and seeks to develop itself There are several ways to live happy and develop from yourself But this does not mean that the person who marries it Poor but the opposite is the person who decides to marry and learn how to choose his partner and how to live Ah how to provide an appropriate place for his children and be has a futuristic look logical and inclusive of all the things he is an intelligent and strong person

Aubri (not verified) says...

Thank you for this great discussion topic! 

Personally, this is something that is very close to my heart, as I have experienced many different situations with both lasting marriages and divorce in my immediate and extended family. From my experience with marriages, even lasting ones, marriage is not easy; any fulfilling relationship will have its share of opposition and challenges, but I have also seen and felt the exquisite joy that comes from belonging to a family that has made a commitment to care for one another through the challenges. I have also seen that divorce is never an easy out, no matter how hard marriage is; ending any relationship we have invested ourselves in, will always be hard, doubly so with marriage. However, I have also seen the healing that can take place as we open up our hearts, and choose to embark on that journey again. 

Through my experiences, I have seen and truly believe, that marriage is an ideal commitment between two persons to enter into a lasting relationship with one another, and bear one another’s burdens. It is a serious commitment, and should be entered into with the mentality that you are choosing a single lifelong partner, and that you are going to stick together through the challenges you will inevitably face together. When marriage is entered into in this way, it shifts our problem thinking from “Does this work?” to “What do I need to do to help this to work?” which is a powerful and real approach to dealing with challenges. We are taught in our society, most often through the media, that there is an elusive “perfect” person out there for us, and that, rather than focusing on building ourselves up to be the kind of person who can care for another person, we should focus on finding someone who “fills our needs.” Furthermore, if someone stops “filling our needs,” we have been mentally conditioned to cast them aside and find someone else. The problem to this approach is that it negates personal accountability, the responsibility we have to build a relationship through time-investment, communication, affection, service, sacrifice, forgiveness, patience, and love. If something is precious, you treat it differently, and a relationship with someone who has promised to be with you for the rest of your life is more precious than gold.

Marriage is something that needs to be nurtured. You wouldn’t plant a tree and expects it to grow without watering it. You wouldn’t let a precious plant be choked out by thorns or weeds. If a tree springs up and you see that it is growing crooked with the wind, you would put an anchor on it to strengthen it. If you are watering it, but it still seems to be dying, you would dig around the roots to try to aerate the soil to receive water. You would remove anything blocking the sunlight. And, always, you would water and nourish it. It is the same with marriage.

Further, nobody plants a tree with the intention of letting it die, yet I have heard of people entering into marriage with the possibility of divorce on their minds. Rather than worrying about it, if we place our focus on nurturing, serving and loving, I think we will find the greatest fulfillment, and most soul-satisfying relationships as husbands and wives, fathers and mothers, grandmothers and grandfathers.  These are the relationships which have the capacity to bring us the greatest joy; we should be willing to take on any challenges it takes to get there. :)

Gentle Soul (not verified) says...

Marriage is not about "owning" each other; it is about belonging to one another. Marriage is about being a part of someone else, and having them be a part of you. It is a beautiful commitment and can be the most fulfilling relationship we ever enter into, if entered into properly, and nurtured. It is definitely a life-long commitment, and should be entered into with as much care. Where we get into trouble is when we treat it like a casual arrangement, or temporary solution, when at its heart, marriage should be a lasting promise of loyalty and fidelity, pure and simple.

El94 (not verified) says...

I've never had a great desire to get married and if I were to do so, it definitely wouldn't be in the conventional church-white dress-walk down the aisle- style. I understand the importance of a legal binding for practical reasons when children, finances and property become involved so have always had the view of 'well, if it makes sense to I suppose I could..'. I disagree with the patriarchal nature and history behind it and now that civil partnerships are open for hetrosexual couples also (in the UK), that option definitely seems more appealing to me :)

INTJ Science Guy (not verified) says...

I am an iNTJ who has been happily married to an INFP for more than 25 years. Dating was awesome-- long private conversations that were rewarding for both of us. For the first time in my dating life I could tell her all my crazy (sometimes darkly sarcastic) thoughts without fearing rejection.

We dated a LONG time (I had to finish graduate school) before we got married (because it made sense to both of us to commit to a stable, mulually beneficial relationship to raise a family). Living together at first was a challenge as we learned to discuss (rather than get irritated by) our differences and accept, change, or adapt (tolerance of different preferences is a requirement of happy marriages regardelss of type).

We have never been bored being together! She has taught me to be nicer (and continues to teach me empathy). I help with organization and getting things done (and as efficiently as possible!). Reading together, love of dark humor (written or TV), and word games games/puzzles together are particularly gratifying.

Our one child (it doesn't make sense to have more than one child if you really think about it) is an amazinly successful ESTJ who benefitted from our different parenting styles.


Metal Guru (not verified) says...

Can you please make me a clone of you... I once picked the wrong person, unfortunately. Trying hard not to be bitter or over-jealous of others (happy couples) because of it. And not to blame myself too harshly, either.

TN_Preverb says...

Young male INFP here.

I am by no means ready for marrige at this point in my life. However, I'm a bit of a hopeless romantic and i know this sounds sappy but it's always been and always will be my dream to fall in love, get married and have children. A happy family. I think of marrige as the ultimate commitment to ones partner and I think it's sweet. I'm not stupid, I know marrige isnt always easy but that's why its such a commitment. The idea of supporting, loving and being with one another till death do us part, is just so nice. Makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside lol.

dalunawolf (not verified) says...

I don't think i would be a good father, not because of bad taking care of, but i just don't think i would be, my family says otherwise because i have this "father/big brother intuition". I like to call it "body guard intuition" because i will literally stand nearby the baby or toddler and will leterly get a panic attack if the so much as whimpers. I'm not a fan of marrige ethier i just fear if the peson isnt who i thought they were before marrige or what if all they wanted was money and half everything i own. mabey im just really parinoid.

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