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www.giu.party says...

Wow, that is a really bad situation, I seriouly don't know what I would do in your place. I personally experienced something like that, I really do feel what you are going throught, and it is horrible.

Anyway, it seems like your friend doesn't mind that much your ex-boyfriend, despite him being muslim, and that her actual boyfriend is the one forcing her not to see you (maybe he thinks he is protecting her, or something like that). Correct me if I'm wrong, but that's what it sounds like.

If I'm right, I feel like the best solution would be to make her boyfriend realize how unfounded his belief are. Understand why he thinks what he thinks. He likely relates muslims to terrorism: make him understand that ISIS does not represents the whole muslim community, and that in reality ISIS is killing more muslims than Occidentals. Show him reports of the thousands act of terrorism made by ISIS against muslims.

If making her boyfriend change his mind on the subject is not an option (and, unfortunately, this may very well be the case), you should encourage your friend to take position and impose herself in her relationship: your boyfriend shouldn't tell you who you can meet and where you can go. It does not lead to an healthy relationship, and it is best to fix it as soon as possible.

For no reason, you should betray your values. I wouldn't even be able to do that, and would feel horrible afterwards.

Take my advices with a pinch of salt. I can't tell by experience, I am only suggesting what I feel more right to do. Hope it can help you anyway!

jo.just says...

Thank you for your answer Giu!

Actually she never tried to stop seeing me, I was the one who took a step away from them because I didn't want to accept and adapt to their new rules since for me it's so wrong to act the way they did. She has been trying to contact me but I haven't given her much response. Like I mentioned, it's like all my will to co-operate and find a solution just went out the window. I think it might be because they set these boundaries and rules and somehow it feels like I would betray my values just by keep seeing them on their terms. If that makes any sense?

You're right, he relates muslims to terrorism. He's not open to any change in his views at all. He's a person who shuts down to anything that is uncomfortable or threathens the way he wants to look at things. And she shuts down to anything that stresses her out. In this case it's less stressful for her to just go with her boyfriend. She has no real knowledge of politics, religion or what happens in the world, but she protects racist opinions like they are her own. Sadly she is not open to learning more or to change either because that would be too stressful and uncomfortable for her.

I understand that they act the way they do because of their own fears, and that they don't understand any better. And it's so easy for me to be understanding, to see others point of view, to have compassion for people and to never want to do anyone any harm. But that also often makes me be a little too understanding, to just accept other peoples side instead of standing up for myself and my needs. And to doubt myself and my right to my views, my values and my opinions. Do you know what I mean? I think that makes me struggle with this a bit more because my natural reaction is to want to get along with people, to say like ”we'll get through this, don't worry, everything will be fine”. But at the same time I really, really don't want to abandon myself. I have done that so many times in my life for different reasons like being too nice and understanding, prioritizing other peoples needs instead of my own, not wanting to fight with people, separation-anxiety, fear of being abandoned, and so on.

I'm starting to see that this situation is more complicated than I first realized because it creates an inner conflict for me.

I saw that you're an INFP too. Have you always been able to stand up for your values and for what you feel is right and wrong? Or have you experienced similar inner conflicts?

www.giu.party says...

Hey there! Sorry for the late answer, but I really had to think about what you wrote.

First thing first, I don't think I am a true INFP. In fact, I feel closer to the ENFP side lately: in the last test I took, even if I resulted INFP, the E and the I were really close (there was only a 10% difference).
After some more researches on MBTI types, and finding out the true meaning of introverse and extroverse, along with thought processing etc, I think the ENFP profile describes me best, despite the appereance.

Back on your topic: I never had huge conflicts with myself. It may be because of the fact that I am too young (I am going to university soon), so I never "had the chance" to experience it, or because I never put myself in a condition so I had to choose.
It may sound cowardly, but I tend to avoid inner conflict: most of the time, I would rather leave than choose between something that is right and something I love.
When I really am forced to choose, I am really uncomfortable, and always try to find a solution that will make everyone happy, rather than leaving anyone unsatysfied. I always end up putting my needs at the last place, and putting the others first (well, most of the time), but somehow everything ends fine.

Now, to finally answer your question: I don't think that accepting someone for how she is, and enjoying her even when there is a conflict between she and you, counts as "losing yourself" or "going against your moral law". You are not the one making the mistake, and even if someone else does, it is not right to stay away from her.
After all, INFPs are supposed to be healers, right? How can you heal someone if you stay away from them?

I can (and do) understand that you don't want to make the same mistake ever again, and trust me, I am all with you, but I don't think that enjoying your friend, even when she is being wrong, counts as a mistake.
You can stay friends and still disagree on something your whole lives. People do it all the time, and there is always a chance of learning from each other's mistakes: no one is perfect and no ever will, but we can at least try to get close at least.

If you really are friends, you should accept each others for how you are, and not for what you would like the other to be. Even if you find it crazy that your friend is that close minded towards other cultures, I think your friend finds you crazy for taking such a risk and opening yourself to possible threats.
If you really want to stay friends, you should accept her for being close-minded, and she should accept the fact that you will never agree with her.
To sum up, there is no need to break your moral law, in the end I think it is possible to accept each others even with large, seemengly unavoidable, differences.

Also, it seems like you are really overthinking the whole thing, and I think you should relax, maybe distract yourself with something else before taking a decision. I think the best solution can only come from yourself, despite what anyone online can say.

jo.just says...

Hi!

Sorry about the late answer too, i also needed some time to think this over.

I have basically always done that too. Put my needs last, which means that I've adapted to everyone else's needs, wants and feelings. But if I do that nowadays it becomes an inner conflict because somewhere along the way I've learned that my needs and feelings should be prioritized by me. If I don't prioritize them, I am not true to myself.

Well, after a lot of thought I realized you and me think differently when it comes to this. If I accept and adapt to behavior that for me is unreasonable and that goes against my values then I do betray myself. It has nothing to do with not accepting other people's choices. They are still free to choose to do whatever they want with their lives without me judging them. I wouldn't even care what their opinions are as long as they don't act on them. But I don't want to have people among my closest friends behaving badly because of their racist opinions. That I cannot condone. If they would come to me and apologize and say that they realized they behaved badly, that would be another story, but they don't think there is anything wrong with the way they acted.

Well, that's another thing. I don't believe in being a particular way just because “I'm supposed to”. I've never liked being told what to do. These quotes from the INFP page fit in a lot with the way I am: “Following tradition holds little appeal for the INFP; they prefer to do their own exploration of values and ideas, and decide for themselves what seems right.” “INFPs are accepting and nonjudgmental in their treatment of others, believing that each person must follow their own path. They are flexible and accommodating, and can often see many points of view. It is important to the INFP to support other people; however, the INFP may react strongly if they feel their own values are being violated. “ It's not up to me to heal her. Rather to accept the way she is, the way she chooses to act and let her make her own mistakes, and to learn from them and evolve in her own time.

I think the difference in what you are saying about everyone making mistakes and still can enjoy each others friendships and what is actually happening in this situation is that yes, people make mistakes and friendships can heal from them. The difference here is that neither one of us think that we made a mistake, so there is really nothing that can heal, nothing to move on from. There is however a great, big difference in values and in the way we think it's okay to treat other people. And sometimes people grow apart, and they find differences that they can't overcome. It's no one's fault, but sometimes it happens, both in relationships and in friendships. And maybe that needs to be okay, no matter how much it may hurt. Maybe it's better to accept that than trying to force something that will inevitably bring conflict, inner or outer. Maybe INFPs are the Healers but that doesn't mean we are supposed to be self-sacrificing. "The INFP would rather be true to themselves than try to fit in with the crowd."

You helped clear this up for me. Thank you :)

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