My 23 yr old daughter is in counseling...ours has been a difficult relationship for many yrs.  I finally divorced her ISTP dad when she went to college.  Anyway, he never had my back...let her say anything to me...basic message was "It's fine for u to be incredibly disrespectful to ur mom".  

So, being an INFP, I dig my heels in when my core values are being challenged.  She says she doesn't like  the way I think and doesn't respect me.  I've suggested we go to counseling together.  She refuses.  

9 mos ago, her dad passed away 8 mos after being diagnosed with lung cancer.

Suggestions?  

Comments

JM (not verified) says...

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this.  It's disheartening when there is conflict and resentment with our children. It's so natural for us to dig our heals in and stand by what we believe. It's the right thing to do, right??  Yes, however I believe there are multiple ways to stand by our values.  For example, although she wont go to counseling with you, you can go independently to work toward your goal of a better relationhsip. - If your ultimate goal is to have an improved relationship with your daughter, you'll need to change your approach. I know it hurts how she's treated you all these years, but as the adult, and her loving mother, you're going to be the leader to turn this ship around.  Afterall, if we do the same thing, the same way, over and over again, we're going to get the same result in the end.  So, the current situation is that your daughter is disrespectful and shutting you out from counseling.  And your heals are dug in regarding how she treats you. Basically, you're at an impass unless somebody moves. So you're up, it's your move mama!  You'll have to begin, by standing with your 23yo where she is right now. Again, I know she's been hurtful toward you, but please entertain the idea that she truly believes the same about you, or she wouldn't be acting this way. Be the wounded worrier that you need to be in order to rebuild a relationship of trust and love. Understand that she doesn't have to agree with you, follow your values, or even like you.  As you're turning this ship around, it'll be important to respect her right to not like the way you think or act. The goal is to have her lessen her resentment towards you, and rebuild trust. (Khalil Gibran said that our children are with us, but they don't belong to us. ) Your daughter, is an individual. She has her own wounds, experiences,  disappointments, misinterpretaions, and reasons for how she acts as well.If you're still in communication with her, quietly give her little "wins" in your interactions. Rock her world a little bit and pleasantly afirm her choices whenever you can.  When you find things becoming escalated, remind her that being close to her is important to you, and you don't want to fight, so let it go for now, remind her that you love her.  She's only 23, she has so much to learn about the world. Commit to a peacful outcome even if it means, verbally agreeing to disagree because your relationship is more important than anything. Eventually, the "little wins" that she has during your interactions, will rebuild trust and pave the way for greater love. Good luck!

G5 (not verified) says...

I empathize with you. My 19 yo daughter has been sending me push pull messages for the past 2 years. She is fiercely independent, so frequently pushes me away and then accuses me of not loving her. The tears and accusations have come during Mother's Day, my birthday or times when I've denied her something she wants. I started writing poetry to cope and have, also, considered counseling. I treasure the poems as they encapsulate the emotions of my experience. It is a fine line to release and still show love. I have so much to learn about unconditional love and boundaries.

vanessaher (not verified) says...

i have problems with my mother, i didn´t see her for several years, then i became ill and she turned up at hospital ( healing now ).

my mother would not listen to me for years. she was not aware of her behaviours, behaviours that pained me, i think she still is not fully aware but me having distanced myself from her for years made her start thinking about her behaviours.

and she started to see things she did wrong.

 

i´m still very stressed when i see her, she still doesn´t seem to be aware of some certain things, and i have no energy to talk about them now, but atleast she has made some progress.

 

maybe you don´t see behaviours that you do that are negative and that impact your daughter.  not saying that is 100% the case ( as i don´t know you ), but could there be a possibility that you are doing things that harm your daughter in ways        ?

maybe take a look if you can find something there.

like i said, it may not be you.      but it also might.

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