I love being an INFJ and I've seen lots of INFJ pride on here. But I see a lot of us on here talk about loneliness! So, my question is how all of you feel is the best way for us to communicate? I'll try to explain more of how I feel about it. There are many times where I feel like I would be better off by just not sharing my life with others. There are personal feelings and experiences I have that I would love to share, but I don't feel as if they would be appreciated by anyone. Obviously those things don't NEED to be appreciated but it would help me so much if they were. SO, with that being said, what experiences have you had? Is it typically better to keep things in and be safe about it? OR, should I earnestly seek someone out that's willing to listen and truly appreciate me? If I went with that last option, I think I'd probably marry that person if I found them. Thanks INFJ, you're too legit to quit.

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Guest (not verified) says...

Hi

This morning I woke up, turned on my computer and randomely find a popular and pretty precise personality test. I was so surprised by the result and to see how close it was from my personality. I always wanted to understand myself and how to ''do'' the everyday life with it. You can't imagine how glad i am to finally realise that I can be understand by other people that actually feel the same way. Your post makes so much sense for me, the loneliness, not any kind but that true loneliness that cuts you from people and makes you ask yourself everyday what is the best way to make everyone happy.

In a way you are struggling because you are in pain, it is stuck in your chest but you don't know which person would be kind enough to handle all of this. You are too scared to upset the person to open yourself. But what I have learned is that you can not do it on your own, you can not and should not keep it in there. And of course there is a certain way to approch a person with your issues but there is still one. 

I have to admit that I am also a bit lost with all this. I need to rebuild a life and a social life but there is so much to heal from that it makes it pretty hard. I think the advice I can give is  to take your time. You dont have to be scared to go through all the steps of a relationship before going deeper. It is really important to learn about each other and give as much as the person will give you, I have the feeling that if you give too much too soon it might create some akwardness.

But all this stays my opinion based on my experienced, everyone is different. I think what is important is that you relax, enjoy the little things in life like a nice sheet or a nice song while looking trough your window. 

I wish you a lot of happiness in life and that you can finally find the person you are looking for. I actually have a wonderful boyfriend at the moment who 100% support me while I thought I will end up all alone, never loose faith it is always coming while it is the leats expected. 

CathrynH (not verified) says...

I feel exactly the same way. I live this amazing life, but most of it is kept to myself. I have a few (very few) close relationships, namely my dad and roommate, and even with them, I don't have the level of trust or appreciation from them to share myself with. Legit, I did meet an amazing guy, definitely the one I want(ed) to marry. And he brought out all the best in me, and he actually listened when I talked, and with him, I felt I could share and be heard and appreciated. (He moved away a year ago and we lost touch, from his end.) 

 

I think, for me, I still try to maintain those close friendships, but I set the boundaries of what I share. I do think we will both find someone to share ourselves and lives with, and honestly for me, I think the only person I would share all that with would have to either be a really amazing, caring friend or the person I marry. 

Karissa Bedford (not verified) says...

Communication and lack of verbal charisma are the downfalls of us deep feelers. Although we're thinkers, too, we're not the best at communicating our own needs until we are 1, under a lot of pressure (which is stressful), or 2, we've had time to think and write things down. We're eloquent creatures meant to be experienced and loved in a way that no other personality type is like. Most of us INFJ types thrive on quality time-- that is, time spent focused on us for just a moment. Not like we're the center of attention in a large group of people, but that we're the focus of one person for a moment to truly accentuate the appreciation that they have for us, who we are, what makes us tick, and exploring a bit of the depths of what makes us who we are.

It's actually really difficult to find people who want to explore us, on a one-on-one basis. INFJ, you already know how overwhelming stimulation can be, so we all struggle with wanting to open up to someone because we fear over-stimulating them, overwhelming them, or  WORSE... not at all being remotely interesting to them.

So the loneliness thing trickles down to this: it's completely an identity struggle. My therapist told me something that changed my life as a former anxiety-struggling girl to a stronger woman who knows a deeper sense of her identity. 1 Event. 2 Story. 3 Feelings. 4 Behavior. Life will always only ever happen in that order, and I have good news and bad news. Good news is you can control two of those four things. Behavior is obvious, but the other one is the story, and NOT your feelings. That was the bad news: you can never control your feelings because they are a direct response to the story in your head-- regardless if that story is a true one.

Terrible example: I was starting to get sick, and my boyfriend's daughter really wanted to play with me. Event: I stayed on the couch. [My story: I was feeling nauseas. My feelings: poopy. I'd better rest on the couch to feel better. My Behavior: resting on the couch.) Her story: I was ignoring her. Her feelings: hurt, abandoned, lonely. Her behavior: retreat into the guest room and cry. I didn't find out until later when my boyfriend went to talk to her that she felt this way. But the moment she found out that I wasn't feeling well, her story completely changed to: ohmygosh, she's not feeling good! Feelings: sympathy. Behavior: cuddling with me to help me feel better. Two different stories creating different feelings, thus different behaviors.

Think of it this way, INFJs, we're living events on this earth, and there's a story that's meant to take place in each and every one of us. These stories will cause the whole spectrum of feelings-- that is, good and bad-- and these feelings will drive you to DO. The more that you place on yourself a story of 'loneliness,' the more you're going to experience it. Yes, we are creatures that have difficulties getting out of our heads, but I urge you to change your stories about yourselves and start seeing the beauty of who you are. Sure there will be lonely times, BUT you can find people out there. They do exist! I promise. <3

Starfish (my alias) (not verified) says...

I have had a lot of trouble communicating and connecting with people which did make the start of my "life" quite hard (age 9.5 - 12 years of age I was suicidal to the point where I would try a few times a week (never when anyone was at home though)) each time I could not go through with it I would go close but could never do it, then one week when I was nearly 13 I decided that it would be best and easiest to use one of the guns inside of the house, I had a plan and everything, it was going to be on the Sunday afternoon around 4:30 while the sun was setting. But on the Saturday my mums friends kid who is a few years younger than me stayed the night and gave me a new hope. (The full story is here - https://storywrite.com/story/12759642-My-Reason-by-WickedStarfish

He is the closest thing I have (we are like brothers) and I find the easiest way to connect and talk to him when I am struggling with something is through touch (and I know that sounds weird) but sitting either next to him or him sitting against one wall, me against another  and his legs on top of mine calms me down quite a lot and it makes sharing a lot easier. But more recently I have made two online friends that live about 13-15 hrs away from me and I can communicate with them quite easily as well even though I have never met them. It wasn't easy to share with them to beguin with but after about a month or two of getting to know them I would now trust them with most of my secrets and they would do the same because I helped them, (one had a high chance of being diagnosed with a deadly disease called nemo or Nuclear factor-kappa B Essential Modulator, and the other has attempted to commit suicide 6 times) the second one I am a little closer to than the first as we have a deeper understanding of each other's "demons"

But the best piece of advice I can offer on communication is to learn to build a trust with someone and don't ever give up on that persons trust, as me and the second person that I've never met argue to the point where we could both be in tears but before we go to bed at night we are usually back to being "family". He has a nickname for me, he calls me his fox brother as  we play gta v online together and my character has a fox mask. The reason why we argue is because we trust each other and that has the negative of being the target of the negative energy that we don't share with anyone else, but we still mean a lot to each other because we never give up on each other.

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