I am an INFJ who prides myself on giving people my advice. A couple weeks ago a friend came to me with a question and I gave him an honest answer. Later on that week he tells me that I ruined his relationship. It has been a while since I have spoken o him. Any idea what I should do? Any suggestions are welcome.

Comments

Sair Dodson (not verified) says...

Leading others to give their own advice, solve their own problem, eludes you from blame and teaches them to trust themselves. I find it best to try to understand and support, ask questions to make their own conclusions, not make statements to what I think they should do, help them to dig into their whys and what’s. By using this approach, you are setting healthy boundaries in your friendship and you both gain wisdom.

To understand than teach is the best gift we can give

Wishing you peace and balance,

 

Sylverine (not verified) says...

This is great!

Rebecca Matsil (not verified) says...

lol your friend has no right to say that you ruined his relationship, he is just angry at the situation. If I were you I would say if you hadn't taken my advice what would have the alternative been in the long term, would anything change and would you be happy with that. (Usually it's no because they chose to do what you said for a reason). 

 

Just keep doing the best you can. I told a friend to break up with her boy friend that she now is now going to be her fiancé and they are a perfect match so we can make mistakes haha. 

April Edwards (not verified) says...

I only give advice when I'm asked to.  If I've been in a similar situation, I am more than happy to share my experience.  It is up to them to to pick and choose what appeals to them.

Sylverine (not verified) says...

Very good practice! I have learned to always express that.

 

I usually say something like "look, this is just my opinion given the little I know about the situation. Only you know the answer, and you are going to do whatever you are going to do, regardless of what I or others may say. I don't care if you don't apply my recommendation as long as you do whatever you think is best for you in the long run. Do whatever it is you think will make you happy when you turn around and think back to today."

 

Saying that also helps me not feel so invested in "fixing" my friends. I need to accept they are who they are, and just like me, perhaps they need to make some mistakes before learning what to do. When learning comes from within, it sticks.

Roxyie (not verified) says...

Always give a clear assessment,  with at least two viewpoints. Then offer up choices. They can make their final choice, knowing they had that choice to make, and didn't follow blindly. 

Give them a fish, they eat for a day; teach them to fish, they eat for a lifetime. In other words, giving them a clear understanding, with several choices and viewpoints, and they will inevitably choose one of those. Rarely will they come up with a choice not offered.

 

Peace.

Sylverine (not verified) says...

There have been some great comments as to how to approach the same situation in the future. As far as what to do now that your friend is upset...

1) realize your friend might need some time (which I guess has already passed?),

2) reach out to your friend and open up. "I'm sorry you feel your relationship has been ruined, but I hope you know I gave you my honest opinion and that's all I can ever do, the rest is up to you. Going forward I'll be careful to try to help you figure out what you want rather than simply tell you what to do." Or whatever feels best to say along the lines of "sorry, I had good intentions, I'll be more careful in the future, but you're also responsible". Who knows, I don't even know if you literally told him what to do, but just apply it if it works for you and customize it to your situation.

 

Perhaps your opinion wasn't what spoke to his heart, but he still did whatever you said because of the trust he has in you. It's important to realize it is not your fault, but also realize your opinion comes with some weight and persuasiveness.

However, your friend thought it was a good enough of an idea to implement it, so he cannot make you responsible for his actions. He is in control of himself.

And honestly, did you really ruin the relationship or was the relationship already ruined? You know? Maybe he is just projecting anger towards you when he really is angry to have figured out the relationship wasn't going to workout.

 

Who knows, I don't know nearly enough to give you advice on what to say or how to approach the situation. You do. Follow your intuition and it'll be alright. If it doesn't workout, at least you know you tried, and you can learn from the situation. You're only human!

Mich (not verified) says...

Your friend came to you probably because he trusts your advice. Trusting your advice however doesn't mean he has to take it. He, no matter what, had to make a decision for himself and his decision was to follow your advice. He should not be blaming you for his choices. Something about what you said must have rang true in his heart. Don't beat yourself up. Hopefully he will come around but ultimately it's not in fact your fault. 

Share your thoughts