The Female INTJ’s Guide to Finding Friends Who Get You

It's no secret that INTJs have a hard time making friends. Solitary by nature, their interests tend to be deep, contemplative and out of reach of the "regular" folk. Most INTJs would rather spend their time acquiring knowledge than wasting time with irrational social rituals such as small talk, gift giving and reciprocity. This may cause other personality types to perceive them as cold, distant and standoffish.

Since friendship requires a bedrock of mutuality, these traits can leave the INTJ in a very lonely place. Female INTJs in particular may struggle to fit in when it comes to socializing with other women. The top five personality types for women are all Feeling types. While no woman is defined by her personality profile, it is broadly true that Feeling-oriented personality types are likely to display the traits typically prescribed as "feminine"- traits such as empathy, emotional availability and consideration for others.

INTJ women, by contrast, display classically "masculine" traits such as rationality and intellectual intensity. These traits are opposed to the preferences of the majority of other women. It does not help that INTJ females are incredibly rare, comprising just 0.9% of the female population. Outside of the Internet, a female INTJ is not likely to stumble across a hard-headed, zealously honest, assertively go-getting INTJ sister anytime soon. No wonder, then, that so many of us feel like a square peg in a round hole.

Yet no INTJ can exist in a silo, no matter how socially averse they are. Here is a practical guide to finding friends who'll appreciate you, as well as making the most of those precious connections.

Change Your Mindset

Introverts tend to have fewer friends than extraverts, and INTJs have a stronger tendency than other introverted types to be the "lone wolf." In fact, most INTJs will have only three or four close friends their whole life. Most of their social relationships will be with acquaintances who are never elevated to friendship status. There is nothing wrong with this. All it means is that you are discriminating.

The starting point, then, is to stop pressuring yourself to be more social. The amount of work you would have to put in to sustain dozens of friendships would drain you dry. If you'd rather sit at home with a good book, do that. The genuine friendships will come along when you are relaxed and ready.

Do Stuff That Interests You

INTJs are reluctant socializers. Attending a party or a social event is the most grueling job many of us can think of, and this cuts out many of the avenues that women use for finding friends.

Luckily, there are plenty more intimate places where you're likely to meet people with similar interests to your own. Clubs focused around your hobbies, a recurring class, sports clubs, a volunteering group, the dojo - like-minded women hang out in all of these places and you'll be able to meet them simply by getting out and doing what you are interested in. From there, it's easy to start a conversation about the activity you are actually doing and geek out together over it. As an INTJ, finding someone to share your ideas with is the only way to develop true friendship.

Trust your Intuition

Before setting out to make friends, most INTJs have a set of criteria in mind that a person must meet before the INTJ will become friends with them. That criteria will be different for every INTJ based on their values and interests. But whether or not they admit it, almost every INTJ will evaluate a potential friend before they make any attempt to commit to a friendship.

Some say that this approach is too analytical and limiting, and that people should not be categorized according to some intangible interpretation of worth. I think it's better to trust your intuition. INTJs feel let down if they waste time pursuing projects that have no future. It's OK to keep track of what people say and do and to write them off as friendship material whenever they cross a line. Conversely, when a person ticks all the right boxes, reach out. It's rare to find someone who gets your bluntness, your sarcasm and your dark humor. When you do stumble across a fellow NT or NF type, you'd be foolish not to connect with them.

...But Don't Pigeonhole Playmates Too Quickly

INTJs can be pretty judgmental when meeting new people. They have a tendency to write off potentially outstanding female friends based on a few initial details. For example, you might avoid a new female colleague simply because she's into fashion and makeup.

Pigeonholing people is a mistake. A woman might engage in celebrity gossip, but the chances are she is not only into that stuff. She could also enjoy politics, philosophy or science. Like you, she might desperately be searching for someone who shares those interests so she can enjoy a stimulating conversation. Or she might enjoy completely different things to you, but she puts so much thought into them you can't help being attracted to her smarts. Yes, a lot of people who seem shallow actually are. But a few are not. It is a mistake to assume that your preliminary typing of other women is correct. So give them a chance.

Take the Lead in Conversation

How do you know if a new acquaintance has the hidden depths you're looking for? Through small talk. Yes, you read that right. Small talk is awesome for making friends and most INTJ's do not appreciate its value. That's because they see it as shallow, boring and irritating, when in fact it is the ideal way to throw out any number of topics and work with your potential friend until you converge on a topic that both of you find interesting.

No one is suggesting that you spend endless hours chatting about shoes or the weather. But being willing to explore these topics might help you get inside the mind of your new acquaintance, vet them for trustworthiness and push deeper until you find common ground. Stuck for ideas? You already share your womanhood. Exchanging your female-related issues and jokes is a natural way to bond over your experiences.

Just Ask! 

Initially, making friends is about putting yourself out there. But it may come as a shock to learn that the women you meet are not sitting around waiting for you to select them as a long-term friend. As well as following these tips, you'll have to be a little bit assertive, make a polite request for meeting up again and not get offended if the other person says no.

Don't be too proud to ask for what you want. If you want to hang out, it's up to you to invite the other person to a casual brunch, the movies, or whatever. If you meet people you like and want their friendship, tell them. "This was a great conversation, it would be great to meet up again," is literally all it takes.

If it feels weird asking your new acquaintance out for a movie or dinner, suggest an activity that doesn't depart too much from what you ordinarily do together. For example, you might ask a woman you've met in dance class if they want to try a different class with you or go shopping for dance gear. Sticking with what you know should make you both feel more comfortable while opening the door to a deeper connection. Good luck!